Sunday, August 07, 2005 @ 5:49 PM
| You Know You're Chinese When.... | You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times. You eat all meals in the kitchen. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. You always leave your shoes at the door. You have a piano in your living room.
You twirl your pen around your fingers.
Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. You don't own any real Tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses. You've eaten a red bean Popsicle. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit people's homes. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonald's. Ditto for paper napkins. You never order room service. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish (SQUID). Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood. You don't use measuring cups. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax. You beat eggs with chopsticks. Your parents' house is always cold. You have a teacup with a cover on it. You reuse teabags. Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club. You tip Chinese delivery guys / waiters more.
You're a wok user. You like Chinese films in their original undubbed versions. You have acquired a taste for bittermelon. You like congee with thousand year old eggs. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached -- it means they're fresh. You never call your parents just to say hi. You always cook too much. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten rice, even if it's midnight. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air. Your parents never go to the movies. Your parents send money to their relatives in China. You use a face cloth. Your parents use a clothes line. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi. You've joined a CD club at least once. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics. You never discuss your love life with your parents. Your parents are never happy with your grades. You keep most of your money in a savings account. You've been on the Love Boat or know someone who has. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin. You love Chinese Martial Arts films. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing. Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you. You love to go to $1.75 movies. You love to go to $1.50 movies even more. You never order sweet-n-sour pork, egg foo young, or chop suey at a Chinese restaurant. You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch. Someone in your family drives a Honda... with custom rims. You have a Chinese knick-knack hanging from your rear-view mirror. You like to eat chicken feet. You suck on fish heads and fish fins. You turn bright red after drinking two tablespoons of beer. You can get a buzz on Coors O'Douls or Miller Sharps. You look like you are eighteen. You only buy used cars. You have more than five remotes in your house.
You leave the plastic on the lampshade for ten years or more. You can't bear to throw things away. Your dad washes his hair four times a day, or never at all. Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500. You've worn glasses at least since the fifth grade. Your parents (or some other close relative) own a grocery store or restaurant. You drive around looking for the cheapest gas. You add twice the amount of water recommended when making orange juice from concentrate. You've never seen your parents hug. Your grandmother lives with you and your family.
You never order desserts at restaurants. You always have water when dining out. You say "aiya!" and "wah!" frequently. You love Las Vegas, slot machines, and blackjack. You love to play mah jong. You have to read all your parents' mail written in English. You are constantly being set up with uninteresting (and usually ugly) people by your parents. You hate eating cheese.
You have a big aquarium filled with colorful fish somewhere in your house. Your mother is strangely obsessed with plants. White people look at you strangely if you tell them you are Buddhist. You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.
You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.
Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
You never made the school football or basketball team.
You have two middle initials instead of one.
You grow your own bean sprouts in the kitchen.
Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.
You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time.
You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions.
You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives.
You cut your own hair? or had someone in your family do it.
Your grandmother has a lot of gold teeth? especially in front.
You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means.
You only have to shave every other day (maybe).
You wash and reuse ziplock bags.
You know at least three people named Alan Wong.
You never drank milk after eating cherries.
Your parents collect jade jewelry.
You always drink tea after a meal.
Your dad owns at least one bird.
Your parents grow vegetables in a garden.
You use doilies to decorate your furniture.
Your grandmother rapped your knuckles with her chopsticks while reaching food with your fingers.
You're proud to be Chinese - and you pass these jokes on to all your Chinese friends! |
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